right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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