Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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