So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
