He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
