just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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