If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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