So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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