so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
