I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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