I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
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