just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
