We're like a lot better than the average bears
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
