Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
well, you know. whores of a feather.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
