The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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