1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
