Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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