Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
