your parents love me but you hate me
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
