my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
