Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
