she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
