I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
