i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
So many bounce houses so little time
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
