I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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