There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
