Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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