eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
