nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
