There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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