I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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