shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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