Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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