rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
