My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
My liver is preforming stress tests.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
