remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
