I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
