Soap is not a condiment
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
