nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
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