Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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