I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
God gave him joint rollers for hands
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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