Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
be right there i have to get my cape
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Randomize
