I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize