sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
