I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
We were destined to go to rehab together
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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