I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize
