How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
