Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
