drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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