He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
My penis needs a shock collar
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
