I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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